Getting to know my (new) perimeter

self portraits for observing my new perimeter and then go beyond it

(this will take 7 minutes to read)

I’ve always used self-portraits to know my body and to know myself. before I transitioned I couldn’t see my body or my face in the mirror or in photographies. is not that I couldn’t stand it but I actually couldn’t SEE it.

I thought that it was the same for everyone but it was only after gender transitioning that -when I see myself in the mirror or in a photo- I see and recognize myself.

Now when I catch a glimpse of ME in a mirror or a shop window I think “oh here I am”. at it feels good.

So, saying that, you can imagine how important it is the practice of self-portrait for me as a trans person! catching the changes in my body, getting to know this new perimeter.

I started drawing the self portraits of my changing body in 2021 (one year after hormone replacement therapy) with this series “Spit On A stranger” (title from a Pavement song) in which I drew my transbody as a blossoming plant (I got inspired by Robert Mapplethorpe photos) that i later transformed into tattoo ideas and illustration work.

Spit On A Stranger

Since I had my top-surgery in March and since I feel this new perimeter of my body being my home, I started this new series called “New Perimeter” .

There are some fast watercolors or some Graphic Journal pages to explore the changes in my body shape, the change in (ok you know) its perimeter..

New Perimeter

And I don’t know if it’s because I feel more confident in my body or because I feel so UNconfident (and I need to make up for it) but I want to enjoy it and move it and train it and cherish it.

Cherish this new body of mine. Exploring its shape and its limit.

And talking about limits… this summer with my daughter we watched this TV show on National Geographic called LIMITLESS in which Chris Hemsworth ( :P ) do all he can to defy sickness and stress and all those things that -after 40s- only seems to pile up! And we were so hooked on the show that I decided to challenge my self into diving in the ocean mostly everyday during autumn and winter! We are October 24 (when I’m writing) and I’m still keeping it up. Water is cold but, until now, weather wasn’t very cold to make up with the water ( Sunday water was at 16 degrees celsius).

Deciding to dive in the cold Ocean is scary but, if we are still talking about discovering the perimeter aka the limit, once we are gone beyond it, it feels god.

Going beyond fear feels good.

Floating  in the 
  -not yet so- 
    cold Ocean 

        makes me feel
          like I’m a magic 
            mermaid … merman... mermtrans

This “Limitless” and cold water story did inspire me some new “new perimeter” images. but before I show them to you I have to ask you something:

What’s your biggest fear?

mine, career wise, even if you maybe would not believe me, is: submitting my artworks to galeries and grant aka submitting my *artworks* outside of my beloved followers bubble. Because if you read this, chances are that you support and love what I do and I feel safe around you, so safe that I can show you what I work on like today. But I’m not so brave in other areas of the art-world!

Every time I published or exposed my work is because some publisher or gallerist (back in the days) went looking for me. Believed it or not I never went out of the confort zone! well… as a matter of fact I only did once, back in 2001, when I tried to have my book about mermaids (!) published, and

I got so many refusal that I decided to never get refusal again. And therefore never submit my work again.

But maybe, probably, don’t get any refusal also mean skip on some opportunities ? who knows, we will have many occasion to talk about this in the future.

The fear of the refusal is the reason I love so much showing my works on social media and other online platforms, because in this way I’m the only one who chose when and what to show. And in this way I can’t get a no for an answer.

But, can I grow my artist career if I don’t step out of the confort zone? I sure can but probably slower than if I took the time to get my work out there and outside of my bubble.

And talking about getting my work “out there”, here’s one last little story:

The other night I was at an art opening, a group show from a talented artist collective in La Rochelle… to those who don’t know me: I live in La Rochelle since 2004 and in 19 years in this small town by the Ocean I was always involved in the local art scene. But in 2020 I opened my studio Strangeland and I was pretty busy in Tattooing, doing 2 graphic novels and also some exhibitions but all outside La Rochelle.

SO, I was at this opening (I’m very awkward and nervous at social events but I wanted to be there for my talented friend who’s in this collective) and this person I didn’t see for like 6 years came to say HI. She asked what I was about those days and I said “oh well I opened my tattoo studio”.

and after this she looked at me and said: “a tattoo studio? So you stopped drawing? I mean you don’t draw anymore?”

WTF! I wanted to answer something like “I draw more than you ever will ” ( I got triggered in my artistic ego clearly because getting my work out of my bubble is the theme of the moment for me) but I couldn’t answer anything at all because I froze. Why I froze? Because there were a battle inside myself between guilt shame and self love.

and an inner battle get you out of your center, out of your inner flow and, sometimes, out of the body !

( I talk more about the inner struggle of being more than one in charge in our brain in this “Balboa Park” podcast episode).

Knowing my perimeter through self portraits in my first step of self knowledge. but then it’s important to know and go beyond this perimeter by trying scary things.

Do you want to see one last scary thing I did? yes, let me show you those new painting I was talking about before then.

New Perimeter underwater … or “water is the new perimeter” or “fear is where the perimeter ends”. (what’s the best title?)

anyway, those are the paintings I did after I decided to go in the cold ocean (almost) everyday. I wanted to paint self portraits in some sort of “scenery” for a while and those are the first ones I made.

New Perimeter (in the ocean)

They are around 1m square canvases + the page from my Graphic Journal that gave me the idea of starting this underwater series.

They also could easily look like part of a narration probably because my next books is in preparation in my mind? we’ll talk about this in the future, when I’ll feel safe enough to get it out of the oven (my brain) and in the plate (on paper)

and before we say goodbye, tell me:

what’s your perimeter? in which way you decide to go beyond it? I’m interested in knowing!

hope to read from you soon, thank you for reading,

xxx

Nicoz

ps: if you don’t know my work and you’d like to see what I do, all my portfolio and books and infos are always visible on my website