Getting Jealous is Getting Inspired

How I coped with a Peter Blake painting + Ed Atkins’ birth date

Hi friends,

This week I went to the Tate Britain and I got, as usual, both inspired and jealous.

That weird mix of:

“Wow, this is incredible!”

and also:

“Cool, but you’re 45 and still not in a museum…”

When I see art in a museum, I often feel this pull, this hook in my belly, like something grabbing me and saying:

“Go draw. Go work. Go make.”

But at the same time, there’s this little sad voice whispering:

“You’re not doing enough.”

“You’re not talented enough.”

“You’re too late.”

I saw Ed Atkins’ show, and then noticed he was born in 1982, and something in me went: okay.

So I did what I always do in these cases:

I opened my graphic journal.

Because honestly, it’s the only way I know to deal with this feeling.

Opening my journal is like opening my studio.

It’s a studio I can carry everywhere. A pencil case, a color case, a table, and it’s done. I sit and I create.

Maybe it doesn’t look like what a “real artist” should do.

Maybe I should be doing video installations or large pieces or performances and go network or submit my work for grant and group shows or whatever gets you a spot in the museum…

But for me, my graphic journal is my installation.

My studio.

My art space.

My everything.

So I drew.

I took Peter Blake’s Self-Portrait with Badges and I reimagined it as a self-portrait.

I called it Self-Portrait with Trans Flag, because that’s what I had on my jacket -and in my heart- instead of badges.

And it was fun.

Even if I’m not in a museum, at least I can post it in a newsletter.

I can share it with you, the people who care.

Even if the algorithm sucks. Even if it’s not viral. Even if it’s niche.

It’s still mine.

And I’m still having fun.

Then I walked along the River Thames, passed the National Covid Memorial Wall, and later, stumbled into the National Poetry Library, where I got to leaf through poems and zines about trans lives and identities.

It felt like a magical alignment.

And yes, of course—I filmed all of it.

Here’s the vlog:

And here’s the reel, where you can watch the drawing come to life:

https://youtube.com/shorts/n6paMvDrvss?si=wsLXlpJT1daTLoA1

Thanks for being here. For reading, for watching, for caring.

It makes everything lighter.

Love,

Nicoz

Ps: I have new antifascist merch, go check it out : www.nicozbalboastudio.com/store/